CREVICE...FREIND OR FOE?

Unbeknown to the majority of the populous of Great Britain there are scores of different crevices. Some haunted some brilliant and some the stuff of dreams.

Take the first and probably easiest to come by crevice… The phone crevice. This is obtained in a very simple way indeed. One must push two single mattresses together but insist on using a double sheet to cover them. This creates a crevice in the centre that I like to call the phone crevice. I have given it this name because when one sleeps with a phone under the pillow waiting for late night texts. The phone always resides in the crevice in the morning.

This type of crevice also provides an exceedingly good place to sleep the night or perhaps dabble in an afternoon nap. It nurtures the human figure, cups it perhaps. Those who find themselves within the crevice, whether it be by choice or simply through the telekinetic powers that the crevice fosters, will be very extremely comfortable and spend the day with a general aura around them.

The next crevice that I will tell you about is darker, dingier and much more terrifying. Luckily it is harder to find and impossible to muster. This crevice is found between the deadly layers of a fungus found in a wood in Northern Ireland. Within these particular lethal fungi is a crevice so dark that if you put your finger in it you would be transported to another dimension. The world that you would find yourself in would be a land filled with egg white making it exceedingly difficult to move around and take part in day to day activities such as sewing. There are few doors out of this crevice but they are very difficult to open because many of them are metaphorical doors without handles.

The final known crevice is not a crack or cranny as one would expect, but an animal. This Crevice Goblin or Creblin is found in the tropics. It resides in the highest coconut of every palm tree (the coconut which never falls to the ground.) The Creblin passes its lonely life teaching itself synchronised swimming in the coconut milk. When it has got together a satisfactory routine it drinks the coconut milk and dies. But its life isn’t all pointless. The Crevice Goblin finds its real pleasure in the afterlife in crevice heaven with all the other Creblins, where a spectacular and highly enjoyable swimming gala takes place.