THE BALLAD OF MYTHICAL NIGHTMARES

There was definitely something strange in the air,
The leaves were mouldy, the trees were bare,
In a murky dark puddle I stood,
Then turned around and ran to the wood,

I ran to the wood and eating the leaves,
Were hundreds of small, angry pixies,
They ran up my legs and jumped on my head,
I felt like I’d walked straight into camp dread-

Into camp dread I should try and crawl home,
But this was before I noticed the gnome,
Now gnomes I know are particularly harsh,
This one said ‘oi, you shall not pass’

You shall not pass? It’s not Lord of the Rings,
He turned to me and said some things
About goblins and demons and things even worse
He said ‘carry on and you’ll go home in a hearse,’

Home in a hearse? Now this really is stupid,
Then up in the branches I saw there a cupid,
Oh good a cupid, they’re all about love,
But this one flew down and gave me a shove,

He gave me a shove, now I’m confused,
I didn’t expect to leave the wood bruised,
I gathered my strength and stood up straight,
But I had a feeling that it was too late,

For bounding towards me at terrific speed
Was a group of trolls all dressed up in tweed,
They carried with them great, flaming sticks,
When they got a bit closer they started to kick-

Kicked by trolls I can play this game too,
I paused for a second to think what to do,
Then I saw beside me there was a mushroom
I looked at it closely and noticed a room

A room, how perfect, I’ll just climb inside,
These weird forest creatures I cannot abide,
They followed but I exited via the basement
Locking the doors, they were trapped in the casement

And there they will wait in this gloomy tomb,
Until someone eats this magic mushroom.